Vulnerable and Tired

D doesn't call unless there is something wrong and he called last night to say that he had left the house and he just wanted me to know for the record that when he left her she was still alive. He was not going to be responsible for what happens to her any more. She was on her own. I said he should go back, call for help and have her taken to a hospital. Let her wake up there enough times and maybe she will 'get it' . I went to bed literally planning in my mind the arrangements I would make if things turned out for the worse. Needless to say I didn't sleep well - even though the coolness of the night felt great. Meanwhile I was having probably the most important business meeting of my career in years the following morning (today!) On my way to work, I was not sure if I really wanted to know, but I called D to find out if everything was OK and he acted like nothing had happened and put me off in less than a sentence. With the important meeting ahead of me I didn't press the issue. The meeting went as I had hoped except for a small pothole and when it was over my eyes went heavy and my chest hurt. ON a day when I should have been elated, all the way home I held off tears. The emotions of the last 24 hours washed over me in a rush as I reached the solace of my garden. I sat yogi and breathed - but my emotions won.

It is strange to feel the vibrancy of the season, the colors and scents are so vivid, and hopefilled though a prelude to death. My expectations of evolutioanary change with the passage of time need to be re-evaluated, and begin and end only with myself - and those elements of my life that I have control. Acceptance, peace and love....

On a Roll

This morning I pulled out of the garage to go to work and crunched right into the side door of M's car. It was sitting in the driveway right where it always sits, and where I always remember to cut right and turn around it. But my brain somehow missed this very simple move this morning@Q*
I struggled with going back into the house and turning M's morning upside-down - he would probably have been just getting out of bed, so I waited until I knew he was up - and then called. I felt a bit cowardly - but avoided the possibility of adding emotion to the whole thing. My next call was to our favorite mechanic.

Peacocks and Swimming Pools

Today was the most stressful day of my most recent life. This is GOOD because it means there really isn't too much to get crazy over. BUT I REALLY tested my cool and togetherness as it was townwide swim team registration day. THE fees seem to go up by hundreds of dollars with each new season, and it is really out of control! THe town peacocks (parent volunteers) strut around fluffing their bright new feathers as they geer at everyone while demanding checks at five different stations for various registrations and dues, town fees, pool fee, event fees - oh shit! It's too much - both literally and figuratively. THe sstuffiness of it all - and for what??? THe good news is, I will NOT be standing in that line ever again since M will be moving on next year. - sigh - and we already know what kind of checks I'll be writing then.

Achy

I’m achy everywhere as a result of a yoga class. I always thought of yoga as a meditation exercise – and not as much a physical one. Well, my body is telling me otherwise. I have muscles (I think that’s what they are) in my neck, back, and even in my feet that I never knew existed. I am interested in yoga because it is a mind, body and spirit health union and with the pending transition of M moving on it’s time to take care of me! Making new friends will be a fringe benefit. I need something new to be involved in – and am hoping this will be it.

On the note of health, I have always felt a bit pudgy and have absolutely hated my legs. It’s as if I’ve been short changed from the length, grace and beauty that taller women naturally carry. Because I am shorter I feel like everything I eat latches like velcro to my hips and thighs, and now that I’m getting older, chin! Mother Nature really does have her way of working on us doesn’t she? I’ve always noticed that when I’m involved in a healthy activity my appetite for sweet indulgences wanes. Sooner or later, though, some cycle within takes over, binds and tethers this healthy energy and fanfares in Ms Chocolate Chip Cookie Sundae! Can this be beaten once and for all – or would that take the joy out of life? If I can still move on Thursday – I will return for more yoga and see if it will help.

I also need to improve my balance, core body strength and range of motion. Why? One would ask. Well, it’s my tug-o-war with Mother Nature again. I do not want to fall down for no reason, pee when I sneeze, or not be able to straddle Mr. Right when and if we ever cross paths. So my mission seems clear for today.

Last night I had dinner with a dear friend of mine and her daughter. Between the two of them they weigh in excess of 500 lbs. No – that’s not a typo. I do not know how or when this happened – but it seems to get worse with each passing year. I am afraid for them – especially L, because she is only 18. At this rate who know how long she will survive? How does one reach that point of not return – and how can we help each other? For today, yoga is the answer.

Mounting Costs

School here starts tomorrow and M will be a senior. I do not know where the time went, and all said and done - he's turning out respectably - at least from what I can tell most of the time.
Hard work and commitment have not translated into results beyond the modest home that I have been able to provide. So, while I know it is not negotiable that he must spend time deciding on a college I am pretty sure that unless I win a hefty lottery jackpot - there is not much of a chance in hell that I will have the money to help pay for his education.

Grants, loans and a favorite patron saint will definately be needed!

Great Day with Mom

Glorious weather usually warrants the same returns on the day - yet sometimes, somehow I have witnessed just the opposite with Mom. Any excuse to be miserable usually works when her frame is turned toward the shadows. It is unpredictable, disheartening, and unearthing at times. My foundation was built from the early example and words of my mom – a lover of all that is naturally and spiritually charged in this world. She was a young mom -happy and singing uninhibitedly while preparing Sunday breakfast. Offering us the freedom to explore, and the confidence of the success that she knew would be ours, she sacrificed her own options. Her friends all several years older than her, she grew beyond her years too quickly, while her expectations of the world remained those of a teenager. Caught between these two worlds, she now lives in a tug of war between despair and acceptance while that wonderful spirit of hers seems trapped behind a mirror of reality.

Today, however, was a great day with Mom. We ate tomatoes and talked of nothing and everything as moms and daughters do. Torrential rain didn’t prevent her from dressing like a flower. The soft edges of her hair, her smile and the glimmer in her eye renewed my hopes for the world. We shopped frivolously, and laughed. Hours passed like the rain. Her parting hug will linger within me.

Autonomy and Anonymity

Dark shadow hovering over the image of my soul

Reflecting variations of my actions, desires, and impressions

As a kabuki doll upon a stage.

Performing my truth to me while showing something else

To others - from their point of view.

Disillusionment of love, the blood of the womb wills not

To acknowledge the Pulsing warm intent.

Rejection nourishes the poison as it Seeps into

Spaces unoccupied – moving with a vitality

Unknown to me.

Nameless, Faceless fruit, reclaim thy purpose!

Illuminate blossoms of hope from stems of oak-

Hard, callous, tree of everlasting life -

Endures the engraving of generations

While willows without roots, Topple

From the weight of themselves.